The Voices in My Head

Today was weight day. I had a great upper body workout, and really pushed myself with the heavy iron. I almost also dropped a 20 pound dumbbell on my middle finger, but nonetheless, a great session in the gym. As I filled up my water bottle before my deep stretch, the elliptical trainer started harassing me….again. How does an elliptical trainer harass one you may be asking? It starts chatting me up. As crazy as that seems, and it does seem crazy, I imagine all the cardio machines talking to me, and they all have very distinct voices. For example, elliptical sounds like Joey Tribianni from Friends. So as I was filling up my water bottle at the cooler and elliptical said, “how you dooin’? Ain’t you gonna step on my sexy steps and do some cardio today?”
“Nope. I’m going to stretch and then I’m going home.”
“Think of how slim and trim your thighs will look,” elliptical taunted.
“Not today, elliptical. I’ll see you on cardio day. Now get lost.”
After walking past Mr. elliptical, treadmill tried to entice me too.
“Hey, why not jump on my shiny belt, hit quick start and do a couple sprints. You’re hardly even sweating. I can change that. Now destroy that orange peel skin!”
“No treadmill. It’s my weight day. Now, please just leave me alone.”
Ohhhh!” cries treadmill in a shrill whine, “you’re ignoring us for weights!”
Of all the nerve! First she insults me with the orange peel skin line, and then she wonders why I ignore her. For some reason, I picture treadmill to sound just like Bernadette from the Big Bang Theory, with a real nasally voice.
“Sorry you feel that way Treadmill, but I won’t be using you today.”
I walk pass stair climber, but try not to make eye contact. Stair climber can be a down right pest. I imagine him to sound like Joe Pesci, from My Cousin Vinny. Once he starts harassing me in that Brooklyn accent to get on his steps, he doesn’t let up. I am determined to make it to my stretching mat without being sidetracked by the cardio posse.

It may seem odd that I argue with cardio machines, but this is an battle I regularly face at the gym. A battle that I just happen to be winning. I used to allow myself to believe that without cardio, I was not working hard enough, long enough and my workout was left incomplete. This is no longer the case. When I press out that last bench press, Arnold press or squat, and feel the fibers in my muscles tingling, I know I am working hard. When I’m left exhausted, yet revived, I know hard work was accomplished. Although the calories are being burned during cardio, I know that even after weight training, muscle growth is happening while at rest. Elliptical, treadmill and stair climber let’s not have this same discussion. It is not all about you anymore.

My Cousin Vinny as the voice of stair climber:





Joey Tribianni as the voice of elliptical:






Bernadette as the voice of treadmill:


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